Holly is my new e-mail buddy & real life Tyler friend. We've just celebrated our one week anniversary of e-mailing consistently about weight issues, relationships, smoking cigarettes, margaritas & friends. I love her & her writing so I asked her to make a guest post. Thanks, Holly! xo, L
You know what the most annoying thing in the world is? The gain/loss/gain/loss weight thing. You're familiar -- that up and down thing. The "I have two different sizes of clothes: one for 'okay days' and one for 'fat days.' If you are as fortunate as I, you have more than two different sizes! Anyway, it is a frustrating move to put a pair of good day pants on a bad day body."
Sounds like an excellent case of self-loathing to me! If I could date back to when these feelings began in me, I would be more than hard pressed to figure it out. Every day of my life, my mom has attempted some kind of diet. My maternal grandmother did weight watchers and overeaters anonymous. My paternal grandmother made sly, snide comments about "unfortunate" overweight people, all the while her daughter in law stood by, embarrassed to be eating a potato chip. Aside from myself, I am sure almost every woman feels a piece of this puzzle relates to her. How did we become conditionalized to conform to these feelings?
I remember as a little girl in church, my Sunday school teacher would say, "God had you in mind when He created the whole world and there is no one else like you in it. Just remember that He knows every hair on your head. He made you just the way He wanted to." See, this is what I was raised to think and I believed she, and everyone else, felt this way, too. Nevermind that she said this as she was checking herself out in the mirror next to her as she spoke these words of hope and incorruptibility. Don't get me wrong; I am not saying she was out to purposely deceive the lot of six year olds she was in charge of instilling positive belief in. But let's face it -- time jades us. We are children. We hit puberty. Then we truly discover what the media is supplying us with. That little devil named Insecurity starts visiting and skyrockets when we start caring what boys think. Then men. It is a trainwreck.
How many people are we letting this affect? According to a Fitness magazine poll, nearly 25% of women turn down their partners for sex when they're having a fat day. Lots of women even avoid going out in public when they're feeling fat. Is this merely an emotional state of mind altering our self-perception? How many of us are, in reality…fat? And who is classified as "fat" anyway? Secretly, one of my guilty pleasure people is Adrianne Curry. Yes, from America's Next Top Model, the Surreal Life, and My Fair Brady. Yes, I dig a model/reality TV star. Am I ashamed? No, but I digress. The reason I mention Adrianne is because she is absolutely gorgeous, in my opinion, and she is incredibly insecure and unstable. She's a self-professed nutjob, batshit insane head case. And let me tell you, her MySpace blog is out of control, filled with feelings of her own character flaws; some grounded in abuse, sexual and her own substance abuse. Whichever it may be, this oh-so-dazzling woman has the tendency to abhor herself. So my point? If a woman who looks like her can feel this way? Hot damn, we're not alone.
*Note: this week, my friend Rachel and I decided we needed to add Adrianne to our Myspace friends so maybe she would like to have a ladies afternoon of pedicures and margaritas with us. Of course, Rachel and I are also sick people.
So, in conclusion, what is there to do? Will we continue to have fat days? I am pretty much positive that women of all time will continue. Why? Because the perfect world Lauren and I are fond of discussing every day does not exist. Look for tips all you want, try every diet in the world, even do what my friend Attila suggests: "Just cut caffeine out of your diet and drink green tea!"
No thanks, I like my coffee, diet dr. peppers, orange soda, and more. And I like beer. And cheese. And being happy. So, if I have to handle some fat days, so be it. We become skilled at coming to grips with everything else.
Happy Friday!
Holly
hey, I'm here. I swear, I'm not dropping off the face of the earth again. I've just been in LA.
what a crazy summer, man. I'm getting married? no. not so. I'm moving to chicago? well, the whole not getting married thing doesn't really aid in that. what a bunch of craziness. so what do I do to make myself feel better? I go to LA. and talk about a debaucherous good time. my boy friends over there are fantastic and they showed me a hell of a good trip. everything from karaoke bars at 6am to venice beach afternoons and the santa monica pier at night and, oh my heavens, hanging out with greg grunberg. YOU HEARD ME! sean blumberg. felicity love.
so. amazing.
ryan adams in dallas and houston. that should be fun. cat power in dallas and austin. more and more fun. and bret michaels. I'm serious. you're jealous.
- Location:work
I just thought I could see who I could make cry today.
this song came up on random on my ipod the other night and I started thinking about this lyric: "jaded in anger, love underwhelms you." no matter what my situation is, I really don't feel that way. obviously, I have come off as a sad bastard since I left chicago last month, which is to be expected. but I believe in love. I think it's possible for two people to be filled with "well painted passion" for years and years. my parents have been married for 30. my grandparents were married for 55 until my grandpa passed away in september; and they married after a week of dating! it is pretty damn amazing.
I'm not sure what we are lacking in today's society. it's apparent relationships CAN work; they just don't always work like they used to. people can be committed to one another, but there is so much shit in the world to be distracting and destruuctive. the universe is not as optimistic as it once was. I believe we must keep some kind of love alive to remember the truth about being in general.
- Location:work
- Music:frou frou - the dumbing down of love
I read that last night as I couldn't get to sleep when I knew I should; it impacted me and it was one of the first things I thought of when I woke up this morning. it's almost sad and kind of scary for people who borrow my books; I underline them to death almost always and so, you know what I'm thinking is important AND you are faced with having to read something among a sea of black lines. sorry in advance.
sleeping went pretty well, I just didn't get as much as I needed. leaving lauren's after midnight already put me in a bind because I can't go to sleep after just getting home. but I would rather be there anyway, so it's worth it. anyway, I woke up once at 4:15am and almost cried with happiness realizing how much more time I had to sleep. I usally wake up about thirty minutes before I have to get up for good and it's like some awful tease. I'll take 4:15am; easy to get right back to sleep when you fall asleep right before 2am.
so, overthinking is fun. but not. and I'm falling asleep.
- Location:work
seriously. messy. I've taken up with a stray cat and I wonder how I really feel about it. this cat was all over my apartment last night, acting crazy, jumping on me and the couch and running under my bed. I opened the door and he just ran outside. it was all very bizarre. but anyway, who knows. I call him zimmerman for now and maybe he'll stay around. again, I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a dog girl, for real.
so, last night, I was writing on my porch and there was a fairly loud party going on across the street. considering my ipod was on also, it was probably much louder than I think. anyway, about 7 guys and 5 girls were there and they were carousing, for sure. so, this one guy starts walking down the stairs, he falls down half of them, and falls flat on his face. so yeah, he was absolutely wasted. I thought it would be best if I went down to see if there was anything I could do. the guy is bleeding and cursing at everyone, telling them to get away from him.
belligerent.
sunday nights are crazy. as lorrie moore says, "I used to stay up all night and write and read, and I was quite obsessive. But now it's a much more modest endeavor. When your life gets crazy and complicated, your hopes turn into 'I hope I get enough sleep so that I can get some writing done this year.'"
maybe one day this will apply to my life. one can hope.
- Location:work
well
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
centerstagemck basically told me to update this thing and I know who's boss. so hi world. I suppose I haven't put so much down here lately is because it's kind of sad bastardish and I put a lot of that on real paper so that no one else has to read it. but my thoughts on that are as follows:how do I get over this? I'm so tired of feeling bad. the thing is, I do a pretty good job of hiding it in public, but then when I'm trying to go to sleep at night, I think about what he's doing. does he have trouble sleeping, too? I think about our cat and what was supposed to be my house and I want to know what he did with my toothbrush and my bird necklace that he kept in the kitchen to remind him I would always fly back home. I want to know how he feels about his job that drives him insane and his niece he loves so much and everything I won't ever here. I'm kind of falling apart here and I know that sounds terribly melodramatic. I can't ever have that life back. and truly, why in the world would I want a person who doesn't want me? I mean, he wants me, but he wants me on his terms and I can't live like that. I'm not going back; my decision isn't to be regretted. I just wish he hadn't done what he did in the first place, because now I have a scar that won't go away and a person I will always wonder about because someone else will be living a life he promised me I hate that I love chicago so much and it was going to be my city. yeah, I can move there if I want. it's not as if it's off limits for me, but it would take a long time before I could ever do that.
I think he really wanted what we had. but you should never play with someone's life trying to see if it's what you want.
so there's that.
other than that, I have been working on words a lot. and it's actually very wonderful because I'm finding humor in a lot of past shit which actually felt bad at the time. I am throwing out a lot of bitterness I have had regarding stupid decisions I have made and things other people have made me mad/upset about. nobody truly makes you feel anything. so, yeah. writing a lot of things down has been extremely productive and, dare I say, healing? that's such a touchy feely word.
go see pineapple express. seriously, I hurt, I laughed so hard. if you smoke pot, ever have, or have/had stoner friends, it will be funnier. even if you don't, it's just ridiculously funny. and plain ridiculous. but, I think everyone knows how I feel about those apatow, etc. boys. any of them reading a cereal box would entertain me, so I especially enjoyed it. of course, it didn't have jason segel, but I'll get over it. GO SEE IT!
do you notice how, the older you get, the easier it is to spot douchebag behavior, especially in males for females? I do.
- Location:work
- Mood:
tired - Music:ben folds - emaline
he always used to make fun of me for my "girl music." you know what I have to say about that?
- Location:work
it's strange, but I have been sleeping better lately. I don't know why or what has changed in me, considering I have had weird sleep patterns since I was a very little girl. sleepwalking, then insomnia. very strange. I fell asleep last night before 11...that is almost unheard of for me. but, whatever! it's actually great not to be as tired during the day. plus, I actually think it makes me less emotionally exhausted.
relapsing is a large part of break ups, I know. but it seems lately that it has been harder for me than the first few weeks. I was so angry at him that I put the sadness out of my head; it's just easier that way. the dreams began last week. he has been in my dreams in some way, shape, or form several times and it's usually as a representation of something mean or hateful. the craziest part is, they have also migrated to dreams of mark and stephen, two other people I loved. I have no clue why this is happening, but it's beginning to get irritating.
just in case you're wondering about my happiness, the above has been my source... outside of my lovely and amazing friends, of course.
xo.
</lj-embed>
- Location:work
- Music:tori amos - caught a lite sneeze
- Location:work
- Music:mary j. blige - come to me
being a woman sucks.
I do love summer and swimming. I have been swimming like a fiend and it's onebigfatcatharsis. I have no idea how it works, but it seems to work wonders.
I made dinner the past two night for me, ben, and monica. we bought waaay too much lettuce, so after we made southwest chicken salad the first night, we made seared tuna salad last night.
one of the great joys of my life. 30 seconds on each side and you're golden. or seared. whatever. delish.
but now I'm craving potato salad?
- Location:work
- Mood:
hungry - Music:grateful dead - friend of the devil
I cried the first time I heard this; I kind of already knew it by heart.
I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you
So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you
But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.
I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you.
But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.
It's my world, it's not ours anymore
It's my world, it's not ours anymore
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.
- Location:work
- Music:ingrid michaelson - starting now
have a smiley weekend! and go see the dark knight. and pray for lauren in the woods.
- Mood:
full
I can't get TLC and janet jackson out of my head....................................
- Location:work
- Music:TLC - creep
what does a girl do with a broken heart that is growing into an angry wound that is turning into a scab who doesn't give a damn?
she chops her hair off, including her precious bangs. no more of that.
and my break up song! doesn't everyone get one? it's up top.
- Location:work
- Mood:
blank - Music:owen - bad news
don't get me wrong because two years ago was a great time. I took an amazing trip to chattanooga, tennessee by myself and I had never driven that far alone, so it felt extremely adventurous. I got to spend time with
centerstagemck, one of the most wonderful people I have ever spent time with. we road tripped ryan adams, went to atlanta ("the hot guitar player is totally flirting with us!" he's a good friend of mine now, which is hilarious) and knoxville, rafted on the ocoee with now husband paul, met and hung out with zrzuce and francophiliac, who are awesome . it was just the most outstanding trip. I got to go to st. louis for the first time and finally meet my beautifuls, oneworthleaving and feetery and see another cardinals show. just an awesome couple of weeks.before I left for tennessee, I met a boy in a bar in dallas on a friday night, by sunday he was at my apartment in tyler. we pretty much became a couple in two days. he got shady, I made one "mistake" and he dumped me. he was stupid. what did we call him, meghan!? paul named him something hilarious.......why do I want to say it had something to do with bullets?!
anyway. whatever. douchebag.
two years ago I randomly went to new york on a random weekend to see my friends up there. I fell in love again with the WRONG person. I mean, just wrong. but I loved him. a whole lot, in fact. within four months I was back in new york and guess what? he wasn't anymore. at least I got new york cardinals shows. man, I have no idea how many of those things I have been to now. a HELL OF A LOT, how about that?
I would like to continue after that, but I don't even know how to do it. I have been through more hell with people in the last year and a half of my life, I can't even say. seriously, if you don't ponder it, it's better. people are damn nuts. I know I have hurt pepple in my life, I am quite aware. but you know what? for the most part, I'm a nice girl. I really try to do the right thing. I have made a shit ton of mistakes, but I do try hard to be good. march of 2007 changed my life in a way I will never forget; I met the man who broke my heart with his lies of our future together. I will never speak to him again and I still love him and, let me tell you, that feeling is god awful. awful doesn't cover it. and it's even worse that I told him when I gave him the ultimatum about our relationship that I wouldn't contact him again and I would appreciate him doing the same. I don't need him in my life in any way, shape, form, or fashion. and you know what? I had to break up with him because he was too much of a coward to do it himself. talk about a kick in the teeth. and I have been thinking..."what if I didn't go to chicago the last weekend of march in 2007? I could have avoided all of this pain."
however.
what I have learned is this: people can only hurt you; they can cut you so deep, you feel like you will never recover. but you can and you will. no matter how you're treated, you can only feel as badly as you allow yourself to experience. I know it's more complicated than that, but that's the rough cut version. and trust me, I have done more thinking about these things this past week than I ever have. you still get out of bed in the morning and go to sleep at night (early morning for this girl). you breathe in and out and drink and eat (drink) and smoke or whatever it is you do in harder times and then one day...you won't.
I have been depressed. I have been so low at one point in my life that I cried contantly, wrote in my journal for hours a day, drank way too much, smoked too much, never ate, you know...just acted stupid. but I didn't know myself at all then and I thought I did, which is a huge problem. that's the big difference. do I still get upset? yes. do I still see a shrink on occasion? yes AND I love him. do I still write? yes but not SO much and not in such a narcissistic manner.
someone asked me the other day if I could still love someone who treated me like chris did in the end -- carelessly, distant. she said she couldn't. do I still love chris?
I do. but I dislike his actions and the way he lives his life, therefore, I can't be in it.
as crazy as tom cruise has gotten, I will always love jerry maguire. it's just a fact. seriously, god bless cameron crowe and forgive him for elizabethtown. but yeah. it scares me because I have always thought the reason why I loved it is because I'M DOROTHY BOYD. holy shit. but I like to think now that I'm dorothy when she completely grows a pair and tells jerry to buzz off. and it goes something like this:
Dorothy: I was just on some ride where I thought I was in love enough for both of us. I did this. But at least I can do something about it now.
Jerry: Well -- I'm not the guy runs...I stick.
Dorothy: Well I don't need you to "stick."
Jerry: What do you want from me? My soul or something?
Dorothy: Why not? I deserve that.
so that's that.
- Location:work
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:pearl jam - low light
I know it was for the best, but it hurts so damn badly right now, I feel an actual pain in my chest about five hours a day. I get sad and then I get mad and I want to cry and throw things at the same time. life feels empty without him and full in a lot of other ways; I'm trying my best to concentrate on those things.
I just don't get over being severly lied to as quickly as some people, I guess.
- Location:work
- Mood: blank
well, when they both apply.
don't judge me. my heart's broken.
this dream signifies a union with aspects of yourself. It is symbolic of self-love, self-acceptance, and passion. You are comfortable with your sexuality and femininity.
well...badass.
off to chicago, loves. send me the best vibes you have.
- Location:work
- Mood:
anxious - Music:maria taylor - clean getaway
I have to drop math. I tried and tried and am still failing. guess what? I'm trying again in two weeks. yes, you heard me -- trying all over again. I'm determined to try to beat this thing. it just doesn't seem right that math should keep me from a degree! not fair in the least. so I have a better tutor, so I feel more armed. I don't know about dangerous, but we'll have to wait and see.
thursday is chicago day. I'm going to have to take a special little lady out for her birthday when I come back...I can't believe I am daft enough to have forgotten when I go across the country.
actually, I can.
how is everyone?
- Location:work
- Mood: sleepy
- Music:stone temple pilots - kitchenware and candybars
