hey, I'm here. I swear, I'm not dropping off the face of the earth again. I've just been in LA.
what a crazy summer, man. I'm getting married? no. not so. I'm moving to chicago? well, the whole not getting married thing doesn't really aid in that. what a bunch of craziness. so what do I do to make myself feel better? I go to LA. and talk about a debaucherous good time. my boy friends over there are fantastic and they showed me a hell of a good trip. everything from karaoke bars at 6am to venice beach afternoons and the santa monica pier at night and, oh my heavens, hanging out with greg grunberg. YOU HEARD ME! sean blumberg. felicity love.
so. amazing.
ryan adams in dallas and houston. that should be fun. cat power in dallas and austin. more and more fun. and bret michaels. I'm serious. you're jealous.
- Location:work
I just thought I could see who I could make cry today.
this song came up on random on my ipod the other night and I started thinking about this lyric: "jaded in anger, love underwhelms you." no matter what my situation is, I really don't feel that way. obviously, I have come off as a sad bastard since I left chicago last month, which is to be expected. but I believe in love. I think it's possible for two people to be filled with "well painted passion" for years and years. my parents have been married for 30. my grandparents were married for 55 until my grandpa passed away in september; and they married after a week of dating! it is pretty damn amazing.
I'm not sure what we are lacking in today's society. it's apparent relationships CAN work; they just don't always work like they used to. people can be committed to one another, but there is so much shit in the world to be distracting and destruuctive. the universe is not as optimistic as it once was. I believe we must keep some kind of love alive to remember the truth about being in general.
- Location:work
- Music:frou frou - the dumbing down of love
I read that last night as I couldn't get to sleep when I knew I should; it impacted me and it was one of the first things I thought of when I woke up this morning. it's almost sad and kind of scary for people who borrow my books; I underline them to death almost always and so, you know what I'm thinking is important AND you are faced with having to read something among a sea of black lines. sorry in advance.
sleeping went pretty well, I just didn't get as much as I needed. leaving lauren's after midnight already put me in a bind because I can't go to sleep after just getting home. but I would rather be there anyway, so it's worth it. anyway, I woke up once at 4:15am and almost cried with happiness realizing how much more time I had to sleep. I usally wake up about thirty minutes before I have to get up for good and it's like some awful tease. I'll take 4:15am; easy to get right back to sleep when you fall asleep right before 2am.
so, overthinking is fun. but not. and I'm falling asleep.
- Location:work
seriously. messy. I've taken up with a stray cat and I wonder how I really feel about it. this cat was all over my apartment last night, acting crazy, jumping on me and the couch and running under my bed. I opened the door and he just ran outside. it was all very bizarre. but anyway, who knows. I call him zimmerman for now and maybe he'll stay around. again, I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a dog girl, for real.
so, last night, I was writing on my porch and there was a fairly loud party going on across the street. considering my ipod was on also, it was probably much louder than I think. anyway, about 7 guys and 5 girls were there and they were carousing, for sure. so, this one guy starts walking down the stairs, he falls down half of them, and falls flat on his face. so yeah, he was absolutely wasted. I thought it would be best if I went down to see if there was anything I could do. the guy is bleeding and cursing at everyone, telling them to get away from him.
belligerent.
sunday nights are crazy. as lorrie moore says, "I used to stay up all night and write and read, and I was quite obsessive. But now it's a much more modest endeavor. When your life gets crazy and complicated, your hopes turn into 'I hope I get enough sleep so that I can get some writing done this year.'"
maybe one day this will apply to my life. one can hope.
- Location:work
well
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centerstagemck basically told me to update this thing and I know who's boss. so hi world. I suppose I haven't put so much down here lately is because it's kind of sad bastardish and I put a lot of that on real paper so that no one else has to read it. but my thoughts on that are as follows:how do I get over this? I'm so tired of feeling bad. the thing is, I do a pretty good job of hiding it in public, but then when I'm trying to go to sleep at night, I think about what he's doing. does he have trouble sleeping, too? I think about our cat and what was supposed to be my house and I want to know what he did with my toothbrush and my bird necklace that he kept in the kitchen to remind him I would always fly back home. I want to know how he feels about his job that drives him insane and his niece he loves so much and everything I won't ever here. I'm kind of falling apart here and I know that sounds terribly melodramatic. I can't ever have that life back. and truly, why in the world would I want a person who doesn't want me? I mean, he wants me, but he wants me on his terms and I can't live like that. I'm not going back; my decision isn't to be regretted. I just wish he hadn't done what he did in the first place, because now I have a scar that won't go away and a person I will always wonder about because someone else will be living a life he promised me I hate that I love chicago so much and it was going to be my city. yeah, I can move there if I want. it's not as if it's off limits for me, but it would take a long time before I could ever do that.
I think he really wanted what we had. but you should never play with someone's life trying to see if it's what you want.
so there's that.
other than that, I have been working on words a lot. and it's actually very wonderful because I'm finding humor in a lot of past shit which actually felt bad at the time. I am throwing out a lot of bitterness I have had regarding stupid decisions I have made and things other people have made me mad/upset about. nobody truly makes you feel anything. so, yeah. writing a lot of things down has been extremely productive and, dare I say, healing? that's such a touchy feely word.
go see pineapple express. seriously, I hurt, I laughed so hard. if you smoke pot, ever have, or have/had stoner friends, it will be funnier. even if you don't, it's just ridiculously funny. and plain ridiculous. but, I think everyone knows how I feel about those apatow, etc. boys. any of them reading a cereal box would entertain me, so I especially enjoyed it. of course, it didn't have jason segel, but I'll get over it. GO SEE IT!
do you notice how, the older you get, the easier it is to spot douchebag behavior, especially in males for females? I do.
- Location:work
- Mood:
tired - Music:ben folds - emaline
he always used to make fun of me for my "girl music." you know what I have to say about that?
- Location:work
it's strange, but I have been sleeping better lately. I don't know why or what has changed in me, considering I have had weird sleep patterns since I was a very little girl. sleepwalking, then insomnia. very strange. I fell asleep last night before 11...that is almost unheard of for me. but, whatever! it's actually great not to be as tired during the day. plus, I actually think it makes me less emotionally exhausted.
relapsing is a large part of break ups, I know. but it seems lately that it has been harder for me than the first few weeks. I was so angry at him that I put the sadness out of my head; it's just easier that way. the dreams began last week. he has been in my dreams in some way, shape, or form several times and it's usually as a representation of something mean or hateful. the craziest part is, they have also migrated to dreams of mark and stephen, two other people I loved. I have no clue why this is happening, but it's beginning to get irritating.
just in case you're wondering about my happiness, the above has been my source... outside of my lovely and amazing friends, of course.
xo.
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- Location:work
- Music:tori amos - caught a lite sneeze
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday guest.
You know what the most annoying thing in the world is? The gain/loss/gain/loss weight thing. You're familiar -- that up and down thing. The "I have two different sizes of clothes: one for 'okay days' and one for 'fat days.' If you are as fortunate as I, you have more than two different sizes! Anyway, it is a frustrating move to put a pair of good day pants on a bad day body."
Sounds like an excellent case of self-loathing to me! If I could date back to when these feelings began in me, I would be more than hard pressed to figure it out. Every day of my life, my mom has attempted some kind of diet. My maternal grandmother did weight watchers and overeaters anonymous. My paternal grandmother made sly, snide comments about "unfortunate" overweight people, all the while her daughter in law stood by, embarrassed to be eating a potato chip. Aside from myself, I am sure almost every woman feels a piece of this puzzle relates to her. How did we become conditionalized to conform to these feelings?
I remember as a little girl in church, my Sunday school teacher would say, "God had you in mind when He created the whole world and there is no one else like you in it. Just remember that He knows every hair on your head. He made you just the way He wanted to." See, this is what I was raised to think and I believed she, and everyone else, felt this way, too. Nevermind that she said this as she was checking herself out in the mirror next to her as she spoke these words of hope and incorruptibility. Don't get me wrong; I am not saying she was out to purposely deceive the lot of six year olds she was in charge of instilling positive belief in. But let's face it -- time jades us. We are children. We hit puberty. Then we truly discover what the media is supplying us with. That little devil named Insecurity starts visiting and skyrockets when we start caring what boys think. Then men. It is a trainwreck.
How many people are we letting this affect? According to a Fitness magazine poll, nearly 25% of women turn down their partners for sex when they're having a fat day. Lots of women even avoid going out in public when they're feeling fat. Is this merely an emotional state of mind altering our self-perception? How many of us are, in reality…fat? And who is classified as "fat" anyway? Secretly, one of my guilty pleasure people is Adrianne Curry. Yes, from America's Next Top Model, the Surreal Life, and My Fair Brady. Yes, I dig a model/reality TV star. Am I ashamed? No, but I digress. The reason I mention Adrianne is because she is absolutely gorgeous, in my opinion, and she is incredibly insecure and unstable. She's a self-professed nutjob, batshit insane head case. And let me tell you, her MySpace blog is out of control, filled with feelings of her own character flaws; some grounded in abuse, sexual and her own substance abuse. Whichever it may be, this oh-so-dazzling woman has the tendency to abhor herself. So my point? If a woman who looks like her can feel this way? Hot damn, we're not alone.
*Note: this week, my friend Rachel and I decided we needed to add Adrianne to our Myspace friends so maybe she would like to have a ladies afternoon of pedicures and margaritas with us. Of course, Rachel and I are also sick people.
So, in conclusion, what is there to do? Will we continue to have fat days? I am pretty much positive that women of all time will continue. Why? Because the perfect world Lauren and I are fond of discussing every day does not exist. Look for tips all you want, try every diet in the world, even do what my friend Attila suggests: "Just cut caffeine out of your diet and drink green tea!"
No thanks, I like my coffee, diet dr. peppers, orange soda, and more. And I like beer. And cheese. And being happy. So, if I have to handle some fat days, so be it. We become skilled at coming to grips with everything else.
Happy Friday!
Holly
- Location:work
- Music:mary j. blige - come to me
being a woman sucks.
I do love summer and swimming. I have been swimming like a fiend and it's onebigfatcatharsis. I have no idea how it works, but it seems to work wonders.
I made dinner the past two night for me, ben, and monica. we bought waaay too much lettuce, so after we made southwest chicken salad the first night, we made seared tuna salad last night.
one of the great joys of my life. 30 seconds on each side and you're golden. or seared. whatever. delish.
but now I'm craving potato salad?
- Location:work
- Mood:
hungry - Music:grateful dead - friend of the devil
